雅思范文剖析:句式单一用词不地道 - 雅思

2008-01-16 来源：无忧雅思网|http://www.51ielts.com 我要评论（0）

        写作通常是容易拿高分的地方，但要真拿到高分，也必须花点心思。我看到有些学生的情况，很是替他们着急，所以请他们认真看看再比较一下以下两篇文章，定会有很大启发的。

　　以下两篇文章都是essay类型。内容也一样，都是讨论骑自行车的好处。“bicycle”是中国人写的考试范文，“why cycle?”是一个英国人为“号召伦敦人多用自行车”的活动写给网上读者的。请大家注意下面几个方面：

　　一  用词

　　“bicycle”作者的用词是中国式的。从题目就可以看出来。骑自行车的通常说法是 “cycling” 或“riding a bike”,骑自行车的人是“bicyclist”或“cyclist”。如果根据作者的标题，不应该是讨论骑自行车的问题，应该是讨论自行车本身诸如发明、改进、用途、价格、式样、功能等问题。文中其他的用词，大家可以自己找。

　　二 句式

　　“bicycle”的作者句式单一，几乎就是一个又一个简单句顺序排列，而且少有用形容词和副词修饰句子，使句子过于平淡。重点不突出，句式无起伏，词汇有限，并在文章中重复使用，如：“骑自行车”，作者仅用“bicycles”或“riding bikes”或“they”造简单句。而“why cycle?”的作者用同样的词对句子做各种修饰。虽然文体是essay, 但因为是登在网上的，要照顾各个层次的读者，所以作者的句式和用词都趋于简单，但并不单调。

　　三  文章结构

　　“bicycle”作者的思路是清晰的，但表达不明确，所以造成结构混乱的感觉，考试时会吃亏的。

　　下面就是这两篇文章。

　　中国作者的?Bicycle (摘自无忧雅思论坛上网友的习作)

　　Bicycles have become more and more popular in China. People ride bikes to their work places, to shopping areas, to schools, and so on. During the rush hours, you can often see a boiling sea of bicycles running in all directions. With the largest number of bike riders in the world, China is often referred to as the kingdom of bicycles.?(主题句不明显，不知道作者想要说什么：自行车越来越流行，要讨论流行趋势？自行车那么多，要讨论自行车对城市的影响？中国是自行车王国，要讨论中国的自行车历史？ )

　　Compared with cars, bikes have many advantages(这应该是主题句，在这么短的文章里应该放在第一段). First, they are not very expensive, and almost every family can afford them. (这句话分成2个句子比较好，一句是key point,一句做进一步解释)Second, they are very handy and convenient though they are not so fast as cars. With a bike, you can go anywhere you like, and you don‘t have to look for a large parking place. By riding bikes, you can avoid traffic jams and thus save the time and the money for taking taxis(同第一点一样，但这一点思路有些乱). Third, they do not cause air or sound pollution(没有解释，这一点肯定拿不到好分数). ?

　　Riding bikes does good to your health if you ride it regularly(这应该是文章要论述的第四点，但没有连接词，又分了段，打乱了文章的整体结构). In modern times, people are usually too busy to spare any time for physical exercise. Riding a bike to your work place regularly serves as a good way to keep yourself strong and healthy. (2个句子的顺序换一下比较好。因为前面已经说了有益于健康，读者等着听解释，但作者却换了话题。第一句话应该是第二句话的原因。)?

　　Therefore, a bicycle is really an important means of transportation in China. It has been very useful, convenient and necessary ever since it was invented. And I do believe it will still be so in the future.(结论态度不鲜明，没有紧扣主题句。 应该重述四个优点，然后给出结论)

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